my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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