I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she looked like the before picture.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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