yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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