I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
