I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
