I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
