Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize