shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
