I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
