drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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