i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
