I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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