She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
