don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
