why didn't you poke me back
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
