I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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