well I can't set my house on fire every night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
