you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Enjoy the penises
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
