Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
