I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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