Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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