The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
thus making me awesome and them whores
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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