My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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