# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
