I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
