I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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