I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
