White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
