remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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