Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
