Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
