I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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