Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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