I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
