for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
