I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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