I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
