Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
