We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Never let your siblings swipe right.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
