so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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