I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
