I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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