I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
