I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she peed on how many people?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
