Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The air was thick with penises
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
