Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
