is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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