Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
