Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
