Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
