Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
