operation harelip BJ is a go
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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