I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
