I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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