Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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