I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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