The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
