Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i would punch a child for taco bell
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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