You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
